Tax you very much

 This satirical newspaper article was written about a remark Nick Clegg (deputy Prime Minister UK) made on the 10th March 2012.  I realise I am incredibly late to the party but I only heard it recently, in a debate about the word 'literally' and the misuse and abuse of it. It gave me an idea for some writing. The quote is as follows-'It makes people so incredibly angry when you are getting up early in the morning, working really hard to try and do the right thing for your family and for your community, you are paying your taxes and then you see people literally in a different galaxy who are paying extraordinarily low rates of tax'

TAX YOU VERY MUCH
 
      In a recent interview with Nick Clegg, the leader of the Liberal Democrat party admitted that 'It makes people so incredibly angry [when] you see people literally in a different galaxy who are paying extraordinary low rates of tax'. Almost immediately, a spokesperson for the Andromeda I Tax Commission released an official statement to the press. 'We are very insulted that Mr. Clegg finds our taxes inadequate' the spokesperson defended their opinion. 'we feel we pay a fair amount for the services provided. We are huge contributors to the treasury amongst other things, and feel that providing any more money could potentially harm the well-being of our citizens.'
      The Andromeda I galaxy is the twenty-fifth nearest galaxy to our own, and therefore the swift reply surprised politicians all over the country, who were not expecting a reply for at least a week. The Bloo race, who inhabit the galaxy, only pay taxes which only equal 40% that of the rest of the country. We spoke to one Herman Hammond (236 years), a space pilot, on what he thought of the taxes debate.
'Some may think it is unfair that we pay much less, but I think that it is right. Our planets are unsafe compared to the relative tranquillity of Earth, and food costs a large amount due to the shipping costs involved in flying it through several wormholes to get it here.' At this point our interview was terminated as the unfortunate pilot was eaten by a flying fish.
     On Earth, many tax-payers are relieved that Clegg is finally representing their viewpoints well.
 'He's said so much stupid stuff, we were beginning to lose interest in him.' Bartender Janet Smith (42 years) told us. 'He spends so much time talking about things like uni fees and reforming the House of Lords, we were beginning to think he'd forgotten he was meant to be looking after us. It's good to see that he's finally coming down hard on those freeloading aliens!' She followed up her statement by saying 'Don't those Lords have anywhere else to live?'
     In a private and confidential interview with Clegg, he admitted his true motives.
'They wouldn't let me build a house [on the Isle of Shpan., a small island off the coast of Shpireland, on the continent of Sheurope, on YX87b, the second planet from the sun in solar system dO2 305, a star system near the outskirts of Andromeda I] which was ridiculous. I went through the official channels, submitting proper planning permission and the required £38billion of tax-payer's money, yet they still wouldn't let me build a house. On my own planet!' For now the situation seems dormant but if events transpire, be sure to check back on this website for more details.
Personally, I don't mind this abuse of 'literally'. It's been used in classic liteature such as The Great Gatsby and so is in no way a modern phenomenon. Tom out, 22/08/2013 16:33