The first film was so boring that I couldn't pass this by...
On the 21st of November 2013, a new film came out
in cinemas entitled ‘The Hungry Games: Catching Fryers’. The sequel to another
awful film, the film gained mixed reviews and mixed up the audience’s head with
its excruciating screenplay. A few days later, however, the infection started.
It’s nearly taken everyone now. Please, if you read this, take heed before it’s
too late!
Symptoms
There are four stages that everyone who watches the film
goes through:
1.
-Headaches. For the first few days, whoever
catches this infection feels painful headaches. This stage can’t be detected by
onlookers unless the recipient of the infection makes it known.
2.
-Shutdown. From 3 days to a week the second stage
kicks in. The recipient will often forget all purposes and bodily function for
a few seconds, before snapping out of the temporary shutdown and functioning
normally. It is vital that any onlooker treats any action similar to this as
indicative of infection: beyond this stage the infection is not treatable.
3.
-Trance-like existence. After two-three weeks the
‘shutdown’ and ‘non-shutdown’ modes of a person merge until they are
perpetually in a trance, unable to think for themselves or respond to stimulus.
It is thought that this is the sign that the mind-numbing bore of the film has
finally reached their brain. If you can lock these people up or get them out of
harming distance, for they do not have long before they reach the final stage.
4. -
Rabid defence. This final stage will take a
month or less to kick in, depending on the recipient. Instead of barely
functioning, their whole existence is to talk about the film and rave about its
merits. DO NOT LISTEN. They are lying. Anything they say about Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson is lying communist propoganda. Cover up your ears and try not to exchange
and liquids such as blood or saliva with them, for fear of you becoming
infected. If you try to talk about the film in anything less than a shiningly
positive manner, they will attack. You won’t survive.
Causes
There is one main way to get the infection, which is where
it started. That is by watching this film. Trailers and reviews are short enough
that they don’t give a good indication of the film, and hence can’t pass on the
infection. The other way to obtain the infection is by hearing enough
discussion of the film from someone who has caught it, primarily those who are
in the fourth stage of disease. At the moment the only known way of protecting
yourself from these monsters is through sufficient hearing protection. The
infection is by definition any knowledge, memory or recollection of the film
either from first-hand watching, hearsay or prediction about the predictable
plot.
Treatment
The infection is only treatable in the first two stages of
decay, if the recipient passes beyond these stages they are a lost cause. The
best way to treat it is to make them forcibly forget the film, as memories of
the film are the cause of the infection. A good method of doing this is
alcoholic beverages, as enough of these soon after the viewing could cause the recipient
to forget the event. Another method is repeated blows to the head with a heavy
blunt instrument, yet this is not advised as some people would like their childhood
memories to be remembered.
Prevention
There is one sure-fire way not to get this disease- don’t
watch the film and if anyone says they like it, put as much distance between
you and them as possible.
At the beginning of the twenty-second century AD, humanity
has lost all resemblance of humans. This infection took all that we had and
caused the ruination of us all. Please, if you read this, save yourself.
Tom Bedford 06/12/2013 17:12
