Fallout 4- What Your Woman Really Wants For Christmas!

Inspired by both the Fallout franchise and an article I read called 'What Your Man Wants For Christmas' for English Language A2, this is an advert for a place in an underground Vault in the Fallout universe. If you don't know, it's a post-apocalyptic setting with a twist- it's seen through the eyes of traditional 50s viewpoints, hopes and expectations.

What Your Woman Really Wants For Christmas!

Christmas Shopping. Crowds of people, stacks of useless items, discounted prices. What a drag! Here at Vault-Tec©, we understand the pain that people go through to find a great gift for their loved ones- and we have a solution. Whether you’re looking for a gift for your lovely children, charming wife or irritable in-laws, Vault-Tec © has the perfect present to give everybody- an exclusive place in one of our wonderful underground vaults!

Vault Secure!

Our analysts have spent years studying complicated politics and science- don’t worry, you don’t need to know the details! They discovered that nuclear war is coming soon, and coming fast- but it doesn’t have to come to you! Our vaults are deep underground where even the worms can’t find you, and they are protected by legions of helpful Protectron© robots from our friends at RobCo©. Nothing is getting in or out of those great metal doors- no nasty bombs, scary raiders or ugly ghouls! Send in for an information pack and we’ll send you a free men’s limited edition Vault-Tec© t-shirt! Remember- a safe family is a happy family!

A Brighter Future… Underground!

Vault-Tec© vaults use only the most modern and attractive amenities- we know you’re worth it! Your woman will be comfortable and happy as well as safe in her kitchen with such innovative utilities such as Vault-Tec© toasters, Vault-Tec© fridges and Vault-Tec© ovens. There is also a brilliant Mr Handy in each kitchen from our buddies at Robco©- we wouldn’t want your wife to be left alone in such a dangerous place! When your wife is busy in the kitchen you can also watch your sweet little daughter play on one of the many Giddyup Buttercup toys found in the Vault, or join your little tyke of a son on the shooting range helping to clear out radroaches. There’s never a dull moment in a Vault-Tec© Vault!

Hard Work Is Happy Work!

The world ending doesn’t mean you’re unemployed in a Vault! Each vault needs doctors, teachers, security guards and of course an Overseer amongst other roles. Whatever your skill is, Vault-Tec© could use some-one just like you to make our Vaults the ideal place to live. While you’re supporting your family you will also be supporting your friends- you’ll be the most popular fellow in the Vault! And in our Vaults you don’t need to share your earnings with anyone else- that’s Commie talk, and this is America- land of freedom and peace! If you’re a discerning character who thinks that you were born to lead sign up for a Vault-Tec© leadership course to see if you could make a dashing Overseer, guaranteeing your family the nicest home in the whole Vault!

We’ll Be There!

Vault-Tec© is America’s biggest friend. We want to protect our proud people, their glorious nation and the swell lifestyle that they live, which is why we designed the Vaults for you. Each of our Vaults is designed to last for hundreds of years- we don’t want anyone to leave with that horrid radiation burning away! Included in all Vaults is a wonderful G.E.C.K- Garden of Eden Creation Kit, your very own tool to turn any abominable wasteland into a living, breathing, fertile area of natural beauty, revitalising the Earth once again. All you need to do is add water and stir- even your woman could do it! To top that all off, for each place you book in one of our excellent underground Vaults, we’ll send you and your family one of our limited-edition Vault-Tec© bobbleheads, showing our mascot Vault Boy in amusing positions! Choose between thumbs up, hands on hip or any one of our themed skill bobbleheads- show off the man you really are.

This was going to be part of my coursework but it isn't any more. Tom Bedford 27/11/2013 17:46

School, UK, Blocks Google.

Prizes if you can guess whose school it was, or who the secret source is.

In a move that surprised exactly nobody, teachers at a secondary school in Bristol, UK, decided late last night to filter the last free website on their school computers- Google.

Speaking on behalf of the entirety of the school staff, the head teacher who will not be named due to legal reasons spoke to us about the decision to block the popular internet search tool. ‘It’s actually a great thing to do to filter websites. It helps the kids learn and puts them out of harm’s way from dangerous people. Why does no-one ever think of the children?’ The website, used worldwide due to its quick speeds and ease of access, was put under lock by the school due to pornographic reasons, stating that ‘the two O’s in close proximity are too suggestive for small impressionable school children.’

Google now joins the growing list of websites that cannot be accessed from school computers, sitting next to websites such as Wikipedia, Youtube and IMDb in the list of websites that are a plague to humanity and could ‘never be educational ever in the history of the world’ as the computer technician told us. ‘Children need to use computers to learn, and they will only do this if we take away all access to any websites with words, pictures or sound files.

                This banning of a website is also a major event for the school servers as it marks an impressive milestone for the quantity of banned websites- from a previous 99% of websites unavailable; the school has now achieved full 100% unavailability for all websites on the internet. The head spoke of this achievement- ‘We are very proud to have reached this impressive figure. We are pleased as previously we were only on 99%, and as everyone knows 100 is a much larger number than 99. Bigger numbers means a better school!’

On the other hand, students are dismayed at the restricted access they are given. ‘We are upset about the lack of Google’ a young male told us ‘I liked to browse the websites that were available to us- or should I say website, the website that tells us the list of websites blocked. It was fun to read the list and try to guess which website came next.’ However our inside source tells us this is not all a bad thing. Speaking discreetly behind the head’s office, he told us ‘maybe now they’ll spend less time monitoring our internet usage and finally process my bloody UCAS application that I sent to them over four goddamn weeks ago’

Tom Bedford 13/11/2013 16:34

The Christmas Effect II- Return of the Decorations

I wrote this piece as a 2013 follow-up to the previous article which mentions my 'Christmas Effect'.

It’s November now, which means Christmas adverts have been playing for a good month already. By and large it seems we have the same diversity of last year- snow, snowmen, snowballs and (s)no(w)thing else, which upsets me- it’s rare enough to find good adverts during the rest of the year but this is meant to be the season where the marketing department pulls out all the stoppers and goes to town on their budget- instead it seems they spent it on whiskey and carrots. To pay tribute to this dastardly affair, I’ll count you down the three worst adverts I could find (the only three I could remember).

                The first advert I am going to discuss is the Morrisons advert. They slip up right from the start line as Ant & Dec slip in through the background while a poorly animated gingerbread man tries (and fails) to make us remember the one from Shrek. The whole advert consists of the character dancing around a lavishly loaded table covered in food, singing a song (not-so-subtly) stolen from a musical and winning audience sympathy by pelting And & Dec with food. That’s really all there is to say- it’s an advert for Christmas. What more do you want? Push off.

                Tom’s Verdict: It’s slightly Christmassy, but let’s face it a table full of food has been done hundreds of times to the point of cliché. 1/10, good effort.

Next up is the Boots advert.

I’m only joking, we all know how awful their adverts are.

In fact, next is the Marks and Spencers advert, solely because it was the #2 result I found on YouTube. The advert starts with a dog running into a back alley and a woman chasing after it. Sounds eerily like the beginning of an episode of Supernatural, doesn’t it? No demons show up unfortunately, and the woman falls down a manhole into Wonderland. Not exactly sounding festive either, is it? This paves the way for the Mad Hatter’s tea party, in this case your generic Christmas-table shot showing table brimming with food # 135 this year. Gradually the adventure takes the woman through a walking tour of some of M&S’s food, clothing and furniture with a ghastly wailing soundtrack that will give me nightmares for months. The true insult of this advert is the fact that the creators had the audacity to drag it on over two and a half minutes! In that time I could, say, listen to a good song, make myself a nice drink, or microwave my head. There’s snow and food so I suppose technically this is a Christmas advert, but it was too dull and lacking in interest to make it memorable.

                Tom’s Verdict: Sorry, what happened again? 0/10, better luck next time.

The main offender this year is of course ‘The Hare and the Bear’, coming from… Actually, who is it coming from? The only time any company name is mentioned -and it’s John Lewis, for anyone rushing to google- is for a brief second at the end. There are no products visible at any point through the entirety of the advert. The advert consists of Disney-style animations in which a hare and a bear become friends (because screw you mother nature!). They decide to hibernate and when Christmas comes they wake up to open presents under a tree, as animals do, however disaster strikes when the bear forgets to set his alarm clock and wakes up a few seconds later than everyone else. That’s the emotional part. Yup. The music played is a cover of Keane- that’s right, it’s so boring that Keane was deemed too upbeat for it.

                Tom’s Verdict: I’m sure the advert is meant to touch an emotional nerve, in which case the marketing team needs a better surgeon. Overall the overly downcast and ‘artsy’ stylisation of the advert hugely miss the festive spirit. -12/10, NEVER AGAIN.

                Tom’s 2013 Christmas Advert Roundup: No Slade = No good.

Tom Bedford 11/11/2013 (Happy 2 years Skyrim) 19:30